[	mood	|	blank	]
[	music	|	"scattered" by green day	]

i really have done things since thanksgiving...but its not really significant. christmas was cool...well, christmas day was. i can't really say much for the whole break, though....it was sort of a mess. oh well. new years i stayed at seth & lyndsey's house all night. that was fun. the only thing that keeps me busy now is going to all the boy's basketball games and practices...but i like being there..im not bored and it's kinda fun i guess. the team is facing some obstacles right now, though. um...otherwise i've just interviewed for scholarships and struggled to live in this town. i am predicting that 4 more months is too long to hold me here and i wont be able to make it.
justin and i....well, you don't wanna hear about all that. really.

[	mood	|	calm	]
[	music	|	"choices" by george jones	]

it was a bit better than last year, i guess.

TEN FIRSTS
First Best Friend: Seth Hoe
First Cat: It was a white persian cat...i think it's name was "kitty"
First Dog: b.i.n.g.o
First Piercing: ears...like, last year
First Big Move: country estates to chappells drive lol
First Crush: ah, i think it was john smith
First CD: oh! i think it was a raven simone cd my sister gave me
First Car: '05 toyota corolla
First Love: first true/real love: justin
First Stuffed Animal: puppy!

NINE LASTS
Last Alchoholic Beverage: em...
Last Vehicle Ride: i went to food city today
Last Phone Call: justin, about an hour or two ago
Last CD Played: burned cd my sister made me with the OC songs on it!
Last Bubble Bath: dunno...sounds nice though
Last Time You Cried: i cry like...every day now, but i've yet to cry today...don't worry, it'll happen
Last Hug: i dont know :(
Last time you really got upset: like...yesterday or the day before...i've been really upset for like 3 weeks..lol
Last time you watched TV: been watching the OC for 2 days straight now...but those are dvds of it so maybe that doesnt count...otherwise, i dont know...i hardly watch tv anymore...since third watch is gone :(

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
Have you ever dated one of your best friends? uh, yeah i guess i have
Have you ever been arrested: No
Have you ever skinny dipped: Na
Have you ever been on TV: 3 times within the past 2 weeks...wymt lol
Have you ever kissed someone and then regretted it? i think so, yeah


SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING
1. socks
2. pink shirt (2 days in a row)
3. black bra
4. underwear...
5. rubberband for my hair
6. andrew howard's flannel shirt
7. makeup..

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
1. watched the OC
2. went to food city
3. ate thanksgiving dinner
4. talked to justin
5. listened to music...
6. hung out with ginger and christina

FIVE THINGS YOU LOVE TO DO
1. play volleyball
2. sing
3. sleep
4. play tennis
5. watch movies

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL [ALMOST] ANYTHING TO
1. seth
2. uh...
3. .......
4. uh..oh there is one more person

THREE CHOICES
1. eat or drink? depends...
2. big or small? still depends...like, on big or small what?
3. pink or black? agh

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. skydive
2. meet jason wiles
(i mean, i wanna marry happily and stuff like that, too, yeah. but, ya know)

ONE THING TO BE THANKFUL FOR
1. Religious convictions

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	"wake me up when september ends" by green day	]

wow...nothing is going right. it's one thing right after another. i've never been so nervous, anxious, and scared in all my life. i don't think that, before now, there's every really been a time when i was too mentally sick to eat. my head is so messed up and i just don't know what to do.

the passionate side of life
you try
so hard to achieve
or overcome
because when it all comes crashing down on you
you're stuck facing the gun

[	mood	|	calm	]
[	music	|	"tangled" by maroon 5	]

im in the library at school working on AP English Online and i'm trying to avoid the work because there's a lot and i can only do so little at a time. nothing different is really going on...it's basically the same stuff. OH, the only other thing is that - well, as you know, wait- i guess you dont know. but, the other night, justin and i started talking and i said that we probably shouldn't try to get back together right now. im just not ready. so, i was crying a lot and we had a hard time with it but...what can ya do? anyway, last night justin came up and brought me this movie he bought that i had been wanting; it's a movie i used to watch when i was little called the halloween tree. lol. also, he said he saw something in the store that reminded him of me and he handed me this card. on the outside it says "words can't express how much i miss you" and on the inside it has this big cartoon character looking thing crying with tears everywhere and it's like...crying a waterfall basically and it says "but this can." lol and it was so cute. justin's so much different than he used to be and it's great. now all that has to happen is me getting myself ready to commit again...

[	mood	|	good	]
[	music	|	"holiday" by green day	]

 yeah, i get a little bit of time now to have a life. i now have an hour and a half at school to do my ap english online and volleyball is over.
on senior night we played whitley county, probably the best team in the region. we were tied with them 24-24 and then lost the last two points. so, we lost senior night. then, first round of the district tournament was the following tuesday and we played evarts- just like last year. however, we lost the third game and ended my volleyball career...in high school anyway. i thought i might tear up a little...but for some reason i could help it and i was basically crying my eyes out...lol. i dont know why. i just stuck my head down in my jersey for like 10 minutes and i couldnt breathe but i didnt want to look at anyone. oh well- it happens. we should have won though.
now, every day after school i have to go to the boys' basketball practices because i am now the manager of their team. coach mitchell really wants me to play basketball, but i feel like i dont have time. i think just being a manager for the boys will still give me a little time. i guess i go to game w/ them and get into games free. it's really a good opportunity anyway. so that starts today after school.
  oh, well, ok, thursday i left and went to danville to stay with ginger a few days. i had fun and im glad i got to spend some time with her because i never get to. then i came back on saturday because i had to sing at a high school reunion from like 1960 with the musettes. it certainly took forever. but oh well. after that, seth, bill, amanda blakley, jessica middleton, and i went to the haunted house at loyall. we were really scared before we went in because this clown thing kept coming out to scare us. seth was in front of me and bill was behind me and we were all holding hands really tightly because we were scared lol. it was fun and it really wasnt that bad once we got out. we're going to go to the haunted house at hall this coming weekend.
  one of my good friends who i care about a lot has started going to church recently and trying to straighten out his life. i have wanted this to happen for a long time and i am soo proud of him!
  whoa, i am excited. the justin and holly rollercoaster has been up and down lately but yesterday was a good day. justin has been trying really hard to make things work and make things right. after church, we went fourwheeling for a couple hours and it was really fun. then, we went up to middlesboro to pick up something for justin's dad. we got along really well and justin was nice to be around and we had fun. he said he realized that we should do things together and he was really sweet :) i think that things will start getting better.
  hmm...ok i have to take the ACT on saturday. i better do really well because i have got to go to college ok. i think that's all. yeah.

[	mood	|	stressed	]
[	music	|	"breathe" by fabolous	]

   yesterday the volleyball team went to clay county...like 2 hrs away. during the jv game i had a volleyball in my lap with my head laying down on it...and i was hateful or quiet to everyone. then, in the varsity game, i definitely did not play like myself. at all. maybe it's the few hours of sleep i get at night, along with all the stress i get when i am awake. who knows? but anyways, we lost because we played horrible...but that's nothing new lately because for at least two weeks, we have sucked so badly. we're not even playing like we know how. it's really starting to piss me off, too. and what's more, some of the girls don't even come to games or practice because it's just not important enough to them. but, it's really important to me, which is why i commit time to it, and this coming thursday is senior night. it is my last home game and the last season game because district is the following week on fall break. if the team does not play like i know they can and they don't even try, especially since it's my last game, then i will be indescribably upset. so, we'll see how it goes.

   otherwise, i have been staying busy with schoolwork, ap english online, musettes, journalism, college applications, scholarship applications, all-festival practice, sunday ACT classes....etc. i've already lost one friend, again, that thinks i never give him enough attention and now thinks i am a bad person and never do anything right. well, i've tried as hard as i can and i've commenced the reconciliation more times than i can count. i dont think i've done anything wrong except for try to get through life and organize my time and please everybody. that's just not good enough though.
   justin and i are having an extremely hard time getting along because of many reasons. i've been having problems lately with being hateful to everyone and extremely, extremely defensive. i can't help it though. and, i know why i'm defensive, too. it's because of how i was treated this summer. it's just the way i am now. i don't tolerate anything and i guess i'm harsh sometimes. i wish i werent this way, but i just cant help it right now. so, after the summer justin has tried to be better for me and change a little bit, but now i'm the one with the problem, seeing that i'm so hateful and short-tempered and all. what scares me most is that i've kind of become violent...lol. im being serious, though. i get mad very, very easily and start yelling a lot and throwing things sometimes and what happens most is me slamming my fist into a wall or door or what have you. i have crushed these knuckle-bones in my right hand more times than i can count. i usually get pretty bad bruises and knots, but here lately, it hasn't been doing much of anything. i think i'm just immune to it now. i can say, though, that it seems like i having been punching stuff quite so much lately. but anyway, i acknowledge that i act this way now, so here recently i've tried to stop. but, at the same time, justin has gotten aggravated at the way i had acted and he is now being kind of hateful again. we still argue about things that i've argued about forever. we never go out anywhere and do anything. on week nights, i see him for about an hour, probably from 10-11. that's really annoying to me because for one, routines are boring and i can't stand it. two, i though you were supposed to go out and do things with your significant other... but maybe i'm wrong. we're both pretty busy, but i just really believe that we could find at least one day a week or whenever to go do something. i mean, come on. seriously. but anyway, he still hasn't been to a volleyball game...and he says he usually doesn't have time. is there really absolutely no way on earth he could make it to ONE? i guess not. but it's ok now because i don't even care about those stupid games anyway. if he doesn't want to be there, then i don't want him there. i guess it's not that he doesnt want to be there...but it's just the principle of it. honestly, i dont care if he's at every game or not because i do want him to go do things he wants to do. but, you know, a game or two, especially if i didnt even know he was coming, would really perk things up. oh well. maybe i'm wrong again.
   it doesnt end there. my mom and i absolutely cannot get along right now. she is so extremely hateful to me and criticizes me constantly because, well she doesn't think justin treats me right and the fact that he's still around bothers her. and what bothers me is the position she puts me in. i basically feel like i'm stuck between her and justin and i dont appreciate it because it's not fair to me. i'm not choosing anyway. i just wish people would leave me alone, though, because i feel smart enough to make my own decisions. she's the reason i don't get to go to centre this weekend to see my gsp friends and i was really looking forward to it. she and my dad decided they didnt want me to drive down there and it was inconvenient for her to take me and nikki. i told her i wasnt going without nikki, so i'm just not going at all. but, she and i haven't been getting along and i've been holding some things she's said against her, i guess. some things she said just really got to me, though. but, i'm trying to forget about it all and work on my attitude. she came up to me last night and said "im going to start being a good mother to you" which kind of made me sad because she's not a bad mother by any means. we're both just stressed right now. 
   but, i guess it all comes down to how busy i am right now. i try to juggle everything at once and i'm hardly superwoman... :P i'm thinking it'll slow down after fall break, though, which is after this coming week. so that's what i'm looking forward to. but ya know...
   maybe everyone should get off my back.
   

[	mood	|	tired	]
[	music	|	"used to the pain" by tracy lawrence	]

i've been so extremely busy with school work and volleyball and extra classes and all this stuff im involved in. i feel pretty overwhelmed most of the time. that's why i haven't updated in a while. i've had to read a midsummer night's dream and hamlet so far for AP English online and do a lot of work for that. i'm trying to make sure i'm caught up because that class is pretty important to me right now.
otherwise, the volleyball team has only won two games: we beat cawood twice. unfortunately, i don't consider that an accomplishment. we keep losing all our games by two points though. maybe we're getting better...
monday the seniors went to asbury college to do the challenge course. most of the seniors went, but not all of them. i think everyone on the trip agreed that we had a pretty good group that day. but anyway, i had a lot of fun. i was basically strapped to a harness in the woods all day long, climbing stuff and walking across thin wires and logs that were about 30 ft. in the air. then i got hooked to another wire and went flying down the mountain on a zipline. that was awesome. also, i climbed up to this platform that was about 35 ft in the air and had to try to jump to a bar that was about 6 feet out from the platform. beneath me were a bunch of rocks and stuff that looked very dangerous from that high up. i was kinda nervous, but i jumped off the platform anyway, not even reaching for the bar because i knew i wouldnt get it. so i just jumped out and let the harness catch me. it was fun, too. i'm glad i got to go.
i guess the only other thing... justin and i are not back together yet. we get along and everything and he really wants to get back together, but i just still havent given the word yet. i guess i just needed some time to do my own thing, especially since i've been so busy. we'll get back together soon, though. i really do want to try again and try to make it work. a lot of people think im stupid for this decision, but those people havent been there through the whole thing and they dont know half as much as they think they do. something that made me happy, though, was a comment someone left on my last post. someone, im not sure who although i'd like to know, commented that justin is a great guy and his tendency to not show emotion well is common among all guys. i'm very glad that someone can finally see the other side of the situation. nobody else listens to me because i know justin is a great guy, but everybody just likes to oppose me, even though they do not know him- some cases being that they've never even spoken to him. i really appreciate this person's comment. justin and i have both made our mistakes, but that just happens when you love someone. he really is great. maybe he doesnt seem perfect all the time, but i'd say that's because he's not perfect, just like everyone else. i accept his faults and am trying to work with them, just like im trying to work with my faults. it may not work out...but i really hope it does. but, at least im trying.
woo im tired.

[	mood	|	happy	]
[	music	|	"semi charmed life" by third eye blind	]

mmm...i got some sleep after volleyball today that i needed. so that's good. i've been struggling with some stuff lately that i don't know what to do about and i'm just kinda drained. today was a pretty good day, though. things are crazy between me and justin right now but i keep praying about it and i know things will end up ok. i'm being optimistic :) school is wearing me down, though, and im getting really sick of some of the people. i h ave been hanging out with seth more and i'm glad about that cause we've been friends for about 16 years. so, we like to act crazy. that's the only fun part about senior year. woo.

[	mood	|	moody	]
[	music	|	"picture of me without you" by lori morgan	]

   school has progressed a little bit since the first day... it's not absolute hell like it was. it's still not cool at all, but it's slightly tolerable. volleyball is...progressing. we lost to cumberland last tuesday... but we did...ok. i think we'll do better next time. it was our first game and especially with brand new people on varsity it's rough. coach evans keeps telling me he's going to call the volleyball coach from Transylvania U about me because i really want to go there but dont have the money...but it's coach evans...so i dont know if that will happen or not. but, we'll see. 
   one day at school our big football dragon man, teddy thompson (aka our best football player), asked me if i'd walk with jon bailey in homecoming because nobody would walk with him. jon is this freshman who plays football and he's kinda...crazy. he's just..i dont know how to explain it. the day we played bell county and the football players wore their white jerseys, he wore his green one. he can't help it though. he's just like that. i think he's in special ed or something. but anyway, i usually never walk in homecoming because i never want to take the money for clothes or the time to do it, but i really felt bad for him and thought it would be nice if i did. it definitely wouldnt hurt me. so i agreed to walk with jon. then at break, jon came up to me and said "hey" and then turned to teddy and said "what's her name???" and he told him and jon said "hey holly, will you..would you like to walk in football homecoming with me....as a friend!?" and i started smiling, kinda laughing and said "yeah, i will." so he was pretty happy about that. then today i didnt go into school until about the time the bell was about to ring, but jon bailey was standing with the seniors and he said "are you holly" because apparently he'd asked every girl in the school if they were holly. i said "yea" and he said "well, i brought you a flower today but you came too late so i just threw it away" and i was like..."oh..." lol. he's a sweet little guy..but kinda creepy lol.
   thursday night at about 10 til 9 i got a phone call from andrew. he said that he had come in from college (at Union) to get some stuff from home and he was about to go back and thought we could talk for a few minutes. i met him at dairy queen at 9:30 and we talked for about 45 minutes. i was really glad to see him because i hadn't in a while and we got along really well...lol. he said he really liked college, so i'm really glad he's happy with that. but, we had a good talk and i think we'll be cool from now on so that's really good. everything's alright.
    last night was the big harlan vs. cawood football game- the rival game of the year. i took kara, caroline, and jessica moore with me but beforehand we met seth, burke, ralph, and bizkit and they followed us to the game so we could chill. first, i sat with seth, burke, ralph, and bizkit on cawood's side...but then after forever and sweating like crazy because of the humidity, i decided to go see who else was around. i went and talked to amanda blakley for a while and i saw randy for the first time in quite a while so i gave him a hug and then i went to talk to ginger and drew. so we left drew and ginger and i walked around for a few minutes, but then went back to drew. at half time ginger and drew went and stood at the fence in front of the field and so i stood there with them. caroline, jessica, cameron, joseph burkhart, and ralph were standing down there too and i just basically hung around there until the game ended with a score of 28-0 -- harlan! im glad we won, but honestly, if we wouldnt have, i wouldnt have been heart-broken. 
   besides all that, i found out that someone has been running their mouth about me...again...and im getting pretty tired of it. woo...we'll have to see how it goes and how much i can take.
   anyway, after then game i took caroline and jessica with me and we drove around and then found seth, burke, ralph, and bizkit at pizza hut and talked to them for a few minutes...but the place was crawling with cawood people so we headed out. we drove around some more and i saw justin out so i pulled over and talked to him for a few minutes..which was..well i dont know. but anyway, shortly thereafter i took caroline & jessica home and then i headed home myself. soon after that, justin came up for a while. we're getting along and everything and we're good i guess and it's alright. yeah.
   just looking forward to oct. 1st...the GSP reunion (supposedly)

[	mood	|	complacent	]
[	music	|	"sweetest goodbye" by maroon 5	]

so... friday at 9 am i had to get on a bus with a bunch of girls and travel to gatlinburg/ pigeon forge, TN for the musette officer's retreat since i'm the president this year. we stopped at five oaks to shop then..hmm...i think we just went to check in at the chalet/cabin thing we were staying in, which turned out to be rather nice. i ended up rooming with caroline. there were like...8 bedrooms i think...and a kitchen and 4 bathrooms and 2 big porches sticking out over the side of the mountain...lol...and there was a downstairs with a pool table, a ping pong table, a fooseball table, washer/dryer, and on the outside of the downstairs were two hot tub/jacuzzi things. so it was a pretty nice place. but anyway, we had to have an officer's meeting that night which lasted WAY longer than what it was supposed to. then i had to give a devotion and give the girls some rubberband bracelet things that i had gotten to go along with my devotion. by the time we got done, there wasn't much time to do anything except sleep.
saturday we all went to dollywood. we stayed a really long time and i rode the rollercoasters and stuff and it was fun and that's pretty much all there is to that. that night for supper, though, we went to dixie stampede, which made the second time being there for me because i went in 8th grade. but, i liked it again...it was alright...and i love the food. mmm.
sunday we woke up and i did another devotion and then we packed up and since it was raining, we decided to do indoor activities...so what better to do than shop? so we went to the eastown mall in knoxville. finally, we got home a little after 6 pm.

so...the whole weekend i had been talking to justin on the phone and he was like "what time are you getting home tomorrow?" and im like "sometime in the evening" and he's like "well call me because i really want to see you" and that made me happy. however, when i got home justin said that josh wanted him to ride fourwheelers for a while, so i was like...whatever. so seth was on the internet and told me he was finally back home from being in north carolina for the whole summer and casey was hanging out with him. so they decided to come to my house. seth and casey sat downstairs with ginger and i, watching sex and the city, for quite a while. so justin called and i told him they were there and he had wanted me to come to his house for a while but i "had company." i told him he could come to my house but he said he was cleaning his truck. so shortly after that seth and casey left and i went to justin's. he made me cry again...i dont really know why. i guess because it just still hurts me sometimes when i think about the past couple months because he was playing this stupid song in his truck that made me sad and reminded me of stuff i want to forget. so we drove around for a while and when we came back to his house, we kind of started an argument.
somehow, we got on the subject of kissing people after we broke up...and he said "well you havent kissed more than two people anyway, have you?" and...i just smiled because...i had. so he was like "ok, i want to know who all it was because if we're going to get back together eventually i want to know this stuff" and i tried to talk him out of it because i knew it would make him mad...he loves to ask about stuff that would make him mad. but he insisted anyway, so i told him of the 4 people. i'm still pretty sure there were only four...  but anyway, one of them happened to be my ex whom justin hates with a deep passion...for some reason or another. and another guy was one who tried to hook up with me when justin and i started dating and tried to get me to cheat on him. the other two were just random. but, just got all upset about the two specific ones and we kind of argued about it. he said it made him mad, but he wasnt really mad , just more upset or sad or something. he also said that he kind of knew now how i felt the past couple months when he acted like he did, but i told him it didnt even come close.
so i went home and later justin came to my house. we were sitting/laying on my bed like we always do and he was like "i cant stay mad at you. and i'm not really mad anyway. but when you told me that it just made me sick to my stomach. it hurt me. it hurt my feelings." and i was like "how cute!!!" lol because he doesn't normally say or admit to things like that. so i just though it was so cute and i just gave him a big hug.
so, i should have a rollercoaster named after me, right?

[	mood	|	crazy	]
[	music	|	"help somebody" by van zant	]

well, my new best friend is travis from baskin robbins. he is awesome. yesterday nikki and i went in baskin robbins and were talking to him and he gave us ice cream for free! yes, we rock. and so does travis.

ryan jackson is hott. i see him in sutcliffe everyday lifting weights and he has big muscles! i like to look at him.

tomorrow (friday) i am going to the zoo in louisville with my major. saturday i am going to cincinnatti to the freedom center/underground railroad thing.

1 week and 2 days left  :'(  i am going to cry.

[	mood	|	tired	]
[	music	|	"blue burns orange: by hawthorne heights	]

em, well i'm sure things have happened since the last time i've updated, but i'm really tired and worn out right now so i'm having a hard time thinking about those things. all i know is i've been hanging out with nikki, amanda, brock and everybody else still and i'm still doing good. i just got back from the gym. um, it's really hot outside. uh, yesterday the staff threw frisbee's at all the scholars from off the roof of norton. lol. i've been writing a lot of like...poetry/songs type stuff that i used to write and i like it so i'm gonna keep writing...besides, people keep reading my stuff and they really like it! ok, i've got less than two weeks left at GSP which actually makes me really sad. i don't want to leave. i won't see 99% of these people ever again probably. so that sucks. that sucks a lot. shoot, now i'm sad.

uh, sunday i went to see the shawshank redemption. yes, it is very long, but it is also very good. it reminded me of the green mile, though. i enjoyed it.
i need a shower and sleep.